Well, it’s definitely high time for an update; I would like to apologize and offer an explanation for my long absence.
As most of you know, I intended to enter a religious community in August, and basically the whole point of this blog was to express WHY I felt called so strongly to religious life. God, however, threw me for a loop. When I attended my pre-postulancy week in midsummer of 2014, I was asked to wait before entering. Initially, I was very confused and hurt by this decision (which is mostly why I have avoided writing); naturally, I, a self-centered human being, assumed I knew myself best. I beat myself up trying to figure out why I wasn’t ready, what I could have done better to show my Superiors who I really am, etc..
All the while, I was terribly afraid. What if I went to pre-postulancy week every year, and every year they asked me to wait? What if they decided I wasn’t called to this order and rejected me permanently? What if I could never see my Sister-friends again? How did I know this was God’s will for my life? Struggling and beaten down, I was forced to rapidly figure out what I was going to do with my life (or at least, a year). It was too late to apply for college without racking up a severe amount of tuition-induced-debt, I didn’t have a job or a car or even my driver’s license, but the Sisters had specifically requested that I move out of my parent’s house in order to gain independence and maturity.
In retrospect, I can see how stupid I was being. Did I not trust that God would take care of me? I so often worried about the future that I didn’t take the time to enjoy the present. When I found a perfect job as a nanny, I did not rejoice; I was only filled with more anxiety that I would randomly be fired, that I wasn’t really capable of fulfilling my duties, or that I wouldn’t be able to find an apartment with nice roommates, and so on and so forth. The first few months were really tough; I had no idea how to budget my money, deal with conflict, “raise” children, make new friends (I had lost practically ALL of my old friends to, what I like to call, the college-epidemic), or talk to adults as if I could possible consider myself almost equal to them.
His grace was abundant in my trial. Through my sufferings, I began to see His hand. I began to understand myself and my situation more clearly. My tears watered the soil at my feet, and His love kissed my little sprout with sunshine until I finally began to grow. Growth, like God, is mysterious: you feel the same for ages, but you eventually look in the mirror to notice that you’ve BLOSSOMED.
Now, I see the beauty of motherhood that I could never have seen if I had entered the convent right away. I love my job. I love my roommate, my church, my choir, my new friends, and my LIFE. I’m looking forward to attending college in the fall (I’m majoring in psychology and minoring in theater), but right now, I just want to enjoy this moment. I want to be in love with every embarrassing thing I say, every mistake I make, every pain and illness, every awkward moment… because THOSE are the times when I grow. A dormant seed may be safe, but it can never be as beautiful as even the most twisted of trees.
Please pray for me as I continue my year of